Moth Storyslam: Having a baby and then falling in love takes GUTS

I wrote this story for Jay for our 12th anniversary and then told it live at the Houston Moth Storyslam on Thursday, June 27. The theme of the night was “guts” and it took a lot for me to get up and perform in front of a few hundred people. I am extremely relieved to report that people laughed at all the right times and none of the wrong ones. Overall, a supportive crowd and, of course, Jay was there recording it on his voice memos. He may, or may not have cried a little.

There are some people in this world who are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's too passive for me. I'm not waiting around. I am actively anticipating the arrival of shoes.

There's something that happens to a kid when they grow up in chaotic households like I did. They've always got their guard up. When anything can happen, you've got to be prepared for everything.

I got pregnant at 17 years old while on birth control. Even when you think you're prepared and taking birth control. anything can happen. Shoes will drop. In my case they were adorable, tiny baby girl shoes.

Sometimes people will ask me what it was like being a teen mom. First of all, I don't know what's like to Not be a teen mom. I can say, it's a bit like realizing the single greatest human being you've ever known in your life is only 8 pounds 1 oz and completely reliant on you for everything while your previous experience with keeping something alive has been houseplants and a goldfish that died.

So I prepared. I read every book, every magazine article and I took parenting classes. I was your typical pregnant, high school dropout overachiever. Through reading all these books on child development and parenting, I learned that children rely on consistency and routine. I learned that when they don't have that consistency and routine, they feel unsafe. They start doing weird things. Like hallucinating about shoe drops.

I decided I would give my daughter some routine. At first I was terrible at it, but what worked for us was every night, we'd read together in bed I'd tell her I love her and sing her to sleep. I went back to school because I was very aware that while going to school would be hard, raising a child on minimum wage is just a different kind of hard.

I did well! I dodged all major shoe drops, graduated with honors and was accepted at my dream grad school: UC Berkeley. After, we moved to Houston, I started a career, bought a house and it was brilliant. But man... anticipating shoes all the time is exhausting. I was more tired than you can possibly imagine.

Then I met Jay. Jay's favorite saying is "always be thinking." And that's what he does... he's always 8 steps ahead of me. He dreams up real and practical ways to make life better. He does big, bold, courageous things... Like scuba diving with sharks.

I think my daughter and I both were a little wary at first with Jay. How long would he last? What if we get too attached? My parents have 9 marriages between the two of them. I do not settle down easily. In fact, he told me once: "The longer we're together, the more comfortable I get and the less comfortable you get."

It was true. I loved him more every day, which only increased my anxiety about the size of the shoe that would drop if he left me. But he says: I'm not going to leave you, goof. He shows me in a million ways that he thinks of me, respects me and cares for me. He's still there, telling me everyday. I love you.

I recently read a theory about anxiety called G U T S. GUTS stands for generalized unsafety theory of stress. The theory is that anxiety disorders are everywhere these days because they make sense. Anxiety actually does a lot for us. It motivates us to prepare. It had me reading about child development and propelled me to do well on tests so I could graduate college and take care of my daughter. Vigilance against the proverbial shoe drop keeps us alive. GUTS says we don't need to worry less, we just also need to learn what safety feels like.

I learned to scuba dive with Jay and one of the things he taught me is the saying: if you're breathing, you're ok. Because when you're 50 feet underwater, it's the panic that may kill you. Focusing on your breathing gives you time to problem solve. It gives you the space to see what's actually in front of you. Jay is consistent and reliable. When I freak out, he says I love you. Over and over again. Which is what I needed.

If you're breathing you're ok. I've got the space now to relax and see what's actually in front of me. It's not shoes. It's Jay. And Jay is a wonderful, compassionate, empathetic man. He makes me feel safe.

It's our 12th anniversary next week and I wrote this story and got up to tell all of you, because if you have anxiety and fears in your life and relationships, I hope more than anything you find yourself a Jay type person.